Bad Days
We love our boys. KC is learning more and more and he makes us smile when he talks all grown-up. He has been singing a lot more, mostly small nursery songs and children’s tunes, with a good sense of pitch too! RA’s personality is shining through; he is starting to communicate with simple words like “Mama,” “Dada,” “ball,” “wawa,” and you can tell that he understands things. Plus, he’s almost consistently sleeping thru the whole night! Watching them grow up is a real joy.
But some of the growing up is less than joyful.
Parenting can be stressful, as most any parent can attest to. There are good days when the boys are happy, the interactions are meaningful, the bellies get filled and the nap time goes easy. BUT.. there are also days when it seems like RA is unhappy with everything and KC argues and whines about everything. Sometimes KC gets all worked up about what RA is doing, giving tattling statements like “Well RA shouldn’t BE there! He’s not supposed to have that; it’s not a toy! I didn’t want him to do that!” It’s not helpful when Krysten and I are trying to get work done. We are self-employed, so we have a lot of emails (which take up the most time), texts, phone calls, scheduling, checkbook reconciling, etc. to attend to. When work needs to get done and we can’t manage give the kids the attention they need, things can get a little hairy! If they’re not in the mood to just play and they won’t do an activity of some kind (and we like to avoid defaulting to the iPad), it becomes maddeningly difficult to get work done. These kinds of days are the stressful ones. Knowing how to handle these unhappy times is important, and I won’t pretend to get it right all the time. I confess that if the misbehavior has gone on long enough, my patience will evaporate.
But even knowing why we get mad is important.
I think people often get mad from a sense of endangered pride. People become defensive if they think someone will think ill of them, criticize them or speak our publicly against them. Yet, it may not really be that way. Did you ever hear the quote that says something like:
Ten percent of life is what happens to us;
Ninety percent of life is how we react to it.
I think there’s a lot of truth to that. It refers to a kind of Back To The Future moral that says “We all have to make decisions that affect the course of our lives,” when Doc refers to Marty’s tendency to react badly to name-calling which gets him into a car accident in the future. Another example is the white room in Matrix: Reloaded where Neo is surrounded by a wall of TVs which show every possible reaction to what the Architect says, and Neo is faced with a choice to try to save the world or simply reset it. Essentially, we have options of how to respond to every situation. Some people tailor their responses to suit what (they think) others think or expect of them. But then they aren’t true to themselves – just acting within the confines of imagined expectations. I have also learned that kids watch how you react, and they emulate that too, thinking that’s what they should do. They watch for times to gain approval by acting like you, so be aware of how you react to things, be it your kids or otherwise.
Parents can hold to different parenting styles. They can maintain strict law & order, allow for permissive free-spirited roaming, or anything in-between. Our choice in that can come from both the example of our own upbringing and in how your own children act. If your kid is like me when I was young, then all it takes is a disapproving look or even the suggestion of punishment to get me into shape, not a public blowup. But some kids do need a little more stronger convincing to behave. In any case, you are in a better position to know how to deal with your kids. You are in charge, and you need to bring them up how you see best, not according to anyone else’s approval. It’s perfectly good to seek out examples if you aren’t sure or be open to advice given from more experienced parents, but it’s up to you to decide how to raise your kids.
For me and my parenting style, I believe that obedience to authority is the most important thing a kid can learn, so I really try to drive that home. So, if KC is really acting out, arguing, and defying us, I will explain what the right choice is and give him a lot of tries to choose rightly before I need to punish him. But eventually, if necessary, he will have to suffer an appropriate consequence (no snack if he didn’t eat his supper, for instance). We usually try to keep calm as things go on, but if KC really just goes to town on the waterworks and doesn’t want to cooperate (and RA usually starts getting upset too from all the commotion), then voices can tend to rise as patience wears thin. I imagine some of you can relate.
It’s not as stressful when both Krysten and I are around and free. That’s one of the vitally important benefits of committed marriage: we support each other, or at least try to. We back each other’s word without backpedaling, so that KC doesn’t find that if he whines long enough, one of us will cave in, but just cause we’re on a team together doesn’t make it less unpleasant when the tantrums happen.
Adulting is hard sometimes. Parenting can be harder at times, too. Toddlers are people who can be a both terror and a treasure in the same half-hour! So since misery loves company, please take some consolation that we suffer bad days just like everyone else. Kids wake up on the wrong side of their bed. They sometimes don’t want to eat what we prepared for them. They want the blue cup. They want to watch the other show. They want to play a little more before nap time. They don’t want to wear that shirt. They keep going where you told them not to. They want a different snack. They keep hoarding their toys away from little brother. Being Christian parents doesn’t make parenting trouble-free.
Thankfully, these stressful times aren’t always the norm to us. We are just saying that even though we love our kids, they drive us nuts sometimes and really push our buttons, making us wish bedtime were a little sooner. But at the end of the day, we still read bedtime stories, we say our prayers, and we still sing good night songs. Sometimes I will recap the day with KC (good and bad days) to help remember what all we did, and remember good things and bad things. I help him understand about the right and wrong, and we decide to try to be better tomorrow. And I always tell KC: “Mommy loves you, Daddy loves you, and Jesus loves you more.” We want him to go to sleep feeling loved and safe.
Every new day is an opportunity to be better, with no grudges. Let us encourage you to remember that you are the grown-up who is in charge. You are the parent who calls the shots. You are responsible for your family. Be their parent. No matter what parenting style or mix of styles you use, kids do need to be respectful and obedient, which only helps them as they grow up. And also remember, kids will cry, whine, and throw tantrums. They will be inconsolable. They will have minor tragedies. They will test your limits. It happens to us all! Just be aware of that reactive 90%. Sometimes you need to pick your battles, but stay firm to your convictions, even if it feels like a losing battle. Be true to yourself on how to parent, even if you decide to change your style and methods a little. Always tell your kids you love them at the end of the day. Bad days happen, but every new day is a new day.
